If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
