Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
