So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My ATM looks so different sober.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
