She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
These tits shall not be calmed
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