i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
