She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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