how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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