He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
