I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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