Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
