Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
