Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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