i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
