you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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