I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
