If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
