Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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