There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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