Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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