You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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