I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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