Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
