I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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