apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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