I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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