just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
