I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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