Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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