i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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