There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
