If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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