Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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