Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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