My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
God I need to hump something, right now.
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