Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
