I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
