I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
