I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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