I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
