is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
