nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just gargled with NyQuil
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
