shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
