Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
