someone threw a dead crab at me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wear drunk well.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
