ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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