I cockslap morals
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
