OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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