he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
