pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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