Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
