We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
