we made out on top of his cat.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
