Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
