$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
