just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
