I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
