This is not my ceiling
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
