my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
