why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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