Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
